5 Things you should say to your kids regularly
Sometimes the cry is just for a Hug, the tantrum is a call for attention, the screaming is saying I want to be heard, the constant touch is for connection just to say “ok my Mummy is here”.
We all have Love tanks that needs to be filled regularly. Just like a Wife wants her husband to tell her “sweet nothings“, our children need our words of affirmation too.
A lot of the time, our hands are full and this is understandable because bills must be paid and targets have to be met but we need to do our best to connect with our kids and fill their tanks. If we don’t fill it with the right things, the world will fill it with all sorts of terrible things. For us as African Parents in Diaspora it’s even more important that we do this often because our children are navigating a peculiar terrain.
I know first hand this is not a walk in the park. Right now as I type, I’m feeling exhausted from the many hugs and touching from my son as I get him to sleep but I’m making the effort as exhausting as it is. I try to remind myself, this child isn’t out to get me irritated or frustrated, he’s Just looking for a way to connect with his mom.
Here are the 5 Things we should say to our kids regularly
- I Love You – I’m rooting for you, I believe in you, I care about you more than you can imagine!
- God Loves you so Much – He cares about you. He provides for you, looks after you, watches over you.
- You look beautiful ( handsome) – God Made you Beautiful (handsome) – You’re beautiful (handsome) just the way you are
- I’m Glad and Proud to be your Mom and I believe in you
- God is always with you – Even when I’m not with you, God is ALWAYS there. You can always talk to him.
My experience at my son’s school
Recently, I went to my son’s school for an event and I realised I was the only Black person in the entire school and for the first time in my life I felt so tiny. I looked around and kept hoping to see someone “like me” but there was none. That very instant, i understood why people keep advocating “Representation Matters” – IT DOES!
I have never had to worry about being the only “person of colour” because I grew up amongst “my own people” in Nigeria so that feeling of being the “only” person was completely new to me. But here I am battling with how to navigate this as a full blown adult! It was quite humbling as I was a bit lost as to how, who or even the kind of small talk that is appropriate. For an outgoing person like me, this was a lot!
Then I began to think about my son, black children and coloured children all around the world. How they must be feeling, how they are coping etc. So many emotions came rushing as i had gotten complaints of my son not socialising with other kids. I understood the reason clearly. Sometimes we think Children don’t know things but they can pick the emotions and energy “vibes” of the room. Perhaps he is also wondering “there is no one like me here” lol.
If I as an adult can feel a little intimidated surely at least once or twice in their lifetime, these kids who are the “ only coloured” ones would experience this at some point in their lives. Some might even wonder: “Why am I black ?” “How come others are white?” “Why are they so privileged?” “Is being black a crime?” Why do people look down on me so much? Trust me these thoughts have crossed my mind at different times when people do and behave in very terrible ways to black people around me
So what’s the Solution? – Fill the Love tank of your Kids! This is particularly important for us Parents in Diaspora
Diaspora Moms and Dad, we need to be extremely intentional about filling up the love tanks of our kids. We need to do the extra work of boosting the self esteem of our children because like you, they are dealing with so much all at once including being the only people of colour in several rooms. This is more than just affirmations (affirmations are a critical part of it but we need to take it a step further). It is more about going the extra mile of having the conversations with them from time to time, giving them solid reasons to know there is nothing wrong with being different or the only ones with a certain colour in class etc. These conversations are essential because it will help them deal with those difficult situations when they arise.
Depending on the age of your kids, I highly recommend these books – Creative God, Colourful Us by Trillia Newbell & God’s Very Good Idea also by Trillia
We need to constantly remind them that they are not less than or even better than. We must never assume that they know these things. Many times they don’t. So let’s break the ice and kick off the conversation. Let’s use the offensive approach (i.e speaking to them ahead ) as against the defensive approach ( after something has happened). We must ditch the “African Mentality” of not expressing love fully or saying things to our children.We must let our kids know we love them and care deeply about them with actions and words too!
Also, With the holiday in full swing for some of us, this may be a great opportunity to fill the Love tank of your kids and even if your kids are back to school, it’s important to let them feel and know they are loved, treasured and important to not just you but also to God.
So Where and When do you say these things?
As you drive them to school
As you get them dressed for school
As you drop them off at school
Before they sleep at night
And by all means in every way possible. Let them know they are loved, seen, heard, capable and blessed
We hope you found this useful. Please pass it on to a Mom or another Parent who should see this. Follow us @inlushmeadowkids for more tips and resources to help you introduce God to your kids in a fun, colourful and exciting way. With Love, Morolake