The Whole Brain Child – Review

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A couple of weeks ago, I took my son out to the park. The day started off on an awesome note. Infact, I was starting to think “whew”… “I’m finally getting a hang of this thing called Motherhood” Not long after, two children came to the park with a toy. That was the beginning of the end. My son wanted the toy and he kept going to meet them. Offcourse, I tried to stop him from doing that and things went downhill from there…

I can’t fully express what happened that day, all I can say is that because I didn’t know better at the time, there was a display of emotions and it had me pretty shaken because for the next 20 to 30 minutes the tantrums were real and uncontrollable. I was confused, sad, embarrassed all at the same time. I eventually found a way to get him out of that environment and he settled down but I was visibly shaken. For days, I didn’t want to go out with him for fear of what could happen. Then I started saying to myself – “I need to understand this child better”. “I mean I can’t always be clueless when these tantrums happen because they will…”. I decided that arming myself with knowledge was the only way and that’s when I picked up The Whole Brain Child

The Whole brain Child uses a scientific approach to help us parents raise whole, well rounded children. You’ll find information about how the brain works written in a way anyone can easily understand. The authors also included images and practical examples to drive home their points. I’m a visual learner so seeing those images warmed my heart. You’ll see things like the left hemisphere, right hemisphere of the brain, integrating the brain, mindsight, SIFT, the wholeness well and more. The authors used simple practical examples to help us understand what’s going on in the brains of our children.

Some of the Punchlines from the Book are:

1. STOP BEING REACTIVE – RESPOND – This really helped me in the last few weeks when my son’s big emotions were all over the place. Naturally I would have lost my temper and may have yelled back but I was surprisingly patient and I feel it’s because of the knowledge I have been getting from the book. No doubt it’s still hard but at least I’m a lot more in control of myself and this helps me in my relationship and response to my son.
2. DISCIPLINE IS NOT MEANT TO PUNISH BUT CORRECT – Whenever you want to discipline your child ask yourself, will the message be clearly communicated? How can I communicate what I want naresh of just shouting about what I don’t want? I am also rethinking my approach – How g th best to discipline so I can get the message in.
3. Parenting crises are openings for growth and integration. You can use the moments you feel yourself losing control as opportunities to model self regulation. Little eyes are watching to see how you calm yourself down and whatever you do in those “hot” moments, they’ll do the same. More like copying it and pasting it right back to you.
4. As children develop, their brains mirror their parents’ brains. In other words the parents own growth and development or a lack of those, impact the child’s brain. – This got to me! I have made a resolve to keep learning and keep improving.
5. Parent with the Brain in mind.
6. What moulds our brain? Experience. Give your children experiences to learn so their brains can grow and develop properly.
7. Mental Health is our ability to remain in the River of Welbeing!– Imagine a peaceful river running through the countryside. That’s your river of well-being.
8. Playful parenting is one of the best ways to prepare your children for relationships and encourage them to connect with others.
9. We need to help children understand that clouds of their emotions can (and will) roll on by. They won’t feel angry or sad or lonely or hurt forever.
10. There is something called the United States of Me.
11. One of the most effective ways to promote Integration is to tell stories. Storytelling is a powerful activity for integrating implicit and explicit memories.
12. Before you over analyse and situation, HALT!Check the basics- Is my child Hungry,Angry,Lonely or Tired – HALT.
13. Every time we say “Convince me” or “ come up, with a solution that works for both of us,” we give our kids the chance to practice problem solving and decision making.

I particularly like the fact that they made it easy to read, sharing their own personal experiences as well as those of people they have worked with.

They encourage us to ask the simple questions. “Why is my child acting like this? Is he or she tired, hungry, angry, etc after that move to asking deeper questions.

All the- “How was your day- Fine” ! Questions should be thrown out of the window. We need to find creative ways to help children speak about their day and even emotions. They can’t simply just have good or bad. There are so many other words- Excited, happy, sad, moody, upset, sleepy, exhausted etc. We can use the SIFT system to draw out information about their feelings – SIFT through their Sensations, Images, Feelings and Thoughts – SIFT. Use more precise words like – disappointed , anxious, Jealous, excited etc.

Connecting the implicit and explicit memory is another interesting angle. Whole Brain Parenting doesn’t mean letting yourself be manipulated or reinforcing bad behaviour. On the contrary, by understanding how your child’s brain works, you can create cooperation much more quickly and often with far less drama

I know better now- that, the situation could have been a master class on asking people for permission to use their things which they were actually willing to share… or maybe even learning to respect peoples privacy but I used the command and demand approach which didn’t work – “Don’t go there, Don’t do that”. I could have also just given him some time to bask in the euphoria of the toy and meeting new people with permission of the people off course before then letting him know it’s time to go….

Our brains are divided into two hemispheres. Not only are they separate, they function very differently. This applies offcourse to our children. The left brain loves and desires order – It is Logical, literal, linguistic (it lies words), and linear (it puts things in a sequence or order). The right brain on the other hand is holistic, and non verbal, sending and receiving signals that liess us to communicate, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone, voice, posture and gestures. The right brain is emotional , experiencing all and autobiographical. Young children are often right-hemisphere dominant, especially during the first 3 years. They haven’t mastered the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings and they live their lives completely in the moment.

Offcourse, reading this Book has solved hasn’t solved all the tantrums troubles. What this Book has done is to help me see and understand that my son doesn’t have any malicious intent to embarrass me or wear me out. He is simply a child and he is just learning how to navigate life. His BRAIN is still growing and can’t understand that there are things that belong to others and you need their permission to use it.

I now understand better that children will be children. I have to give room for that. I should never expect them to be perfect. It doesn’t matter who stares at me. My child is being a child at least for those first 3 years till he can gradually get a hold of things.

I started paying more attention to see what he’s trying to communicate to me. Instead of reacting, I’m learning to respond. Now I know when he wants to drink water, he wants me to continue singing, put off his socks – so I stop half way and let him do the rest. I know that he likes certain things and I prepare ahead for outings and take them with me. I speak with him respectfully like a whole human being that he is.

No. It doesn’t work all the time but I am getting better at this thing and feeling more in control than before. So even when things go south, I remember that his right hemisphere is at work. I need to integrate it with the Left Hemisphere. He’s not out to “drag” me lol. 

This is what this book will help you do. You’ll generally have a better understanding of what’s happening in your child’s brain. You may not have the patience to practice all that is written In there but you’ll at least see things in a better light.

The most powerful quote from the Book for me is this – “As children develop, their brains mirror their parents’ brains. In other words the parents own growth and development or a lack of those, impact the child’s brain.”

I have made a resolve to keep learning and keep improving. My child reflects what’s in my mind. I need to be on a constant mind shift, learning, mind nourishing journey.

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I’m definitely going to be reading it again and again.

With Love, Morolake